I've been seriously lying to myself. I awake each day putting my best smile and face the day, I have fooled the world, even myself for a while, but more and more each day I come closer and closer to the truth. The truth that nothing has changed.
All the insecurities fill me up like breathing water through your nose. The uncertainty. The ticking of the time bomb is so audible I cant escape it. I cannot speak of my feelings, too much is at risk. I will never break my promise of protecting my children.
What do I do. Sacrifice my personal happiness, live a life of lies. I look ahead and the future suffocates me..the future that I am heading towards as its the only way. Its like driving towards a brick wall with brakes that have failed you....
This is not what I have imagined my life to be, this pain. But as I write this I realise that life is only what I make of it. I do not understand why life has dealt me this card. But it has, however I dont want to lose the game. I do have a lifeline, my Jesus. He will give me the escape I need. I promise myself a new me, one that walks alongside God. There is no other way, and I owe it to my children, a new happier mom that they can come to rely on. And without a doubt their happiness will lead to my happiness.
And thats all I desire right now, a new happier me.
